QUOTE: I am temporary

Whether i’m the one who sinks the ship or I’m the one who jumps off before it’s too late, I’ve come to realize and slowly accept the fact that I’m the type of person who is temporary. Even family proves that notion. I’m not meant to stick around, and no one is meant to stick around in my life. I’ve fucked up, and been fucked over. The people I thought nothing could go wrong with, it goes wrong, because of my own doing or because life just works that way.

I talked to a medium today (because I’m desperate for something to just lift this weight on my heart). She says that people can consider me an angel in their lives. I’m there when people need me. They come to me, sad or angry, broken or hurt, lost or confused. I help them find their direction and give them the support they need, when they need it. Then people leave me. She said it’s because I’m strong enough to stand alone when others can’t do it. I’ve always sort of believed that before seeing her. People always ask me for advice. I can help other people. Maybe because I can’t help myself with my own problems, because it’s never a solution-based problem. It’s a “fight until you die” issue.

The downside, she said, is that I feel close and it hurts to lose them. I’ve lost a lot of people because they walked away slowly, and I accepted that fate didn’t intend to keep us in contact. There are a lot of friends I considered so close to me that I no longer talk to; the “we’ll catch up soon”s slowly became “we’re both so busy!” - and the day just never came that we talked. There are also a few people I’ve wronged, and I’m still dealing with the guilt of losing.


I’m temporary. People naturally only want to be around me when I’m happy and everything is fine. Which it’s been far from this past month. My days went from happiness and security to feeling lost, and just trying to get through the day without wanting to kill myself. I tried once. The thought hasn’t left me since I backed out of my decision to end my life.

What’s the point of going through life when everyone that you become familiar and find happiness with are temporary? You can be happy with yourself, but you can drown in your solitude as well. You can only learn so much in the silence. You can only spend so much time alone before you want someone to just witness that you’re alive. When people look to you for comfort but say you’re too much and pile guilt on top of everything else you’re feeling, it’s a sad thing.

I suppose that the only thing I want is just the chance to apologize, even if it’s just that - an apology just to get it off of my chest. To clear my conscience because I have the clarity to do so now. If I were to believe in miracles, I would also hope that I could restore that feeling of security that I once had, so I could feel like I’m not temporary again. To have that person who reminds me that I’m not a fuck-up like I believe I am (now more than before). To have the people who I can turn to when I’m the one who needs a distraction from life.

Temporality is lonely.

Source - http://andough.tumblr.com/post/116536224836/temporary